Is it wrong for me to move on, given my husband's condition (please read)?

Question

My husband has been in a vegetative state for the last three years following a botched surgery in which he was given too much anesthesia. He cannot walk or talk or move his limbs. He can see and hear, but that's it. He has to be fed through tubes and is on a ventilator. He is NOT brain-dead, but his condition will never improve, at least not with current technology. In the future, who knows. He is 43 years old and can easily remain in this state the rest of his natural life with proper care, which he receives at home. I do EVERYTHING for him. I change him, bathe him, 'feed' him, you name it. Sometimes when I sing to him he cries as if he could understand me. Doctors are not sure just how much he is aware because he cannot communicate nut I believe he knows what's going on around him.

Anyway, my problem is this. Lately the stress has become too much for me. I have hired an aide to come in for a few hours a day while I go out to catch my bearings. In the process of doing so I have met someone. Long story short, he understands me and comforts me in this difficult time. I have not touched another man since my husband's illness. But I am human and I need physical affection and I don't know what to do anymore. I want to continue to care for my husband but at the same time I need to live also. I'm neither married nor a widow. I'm somewhere in between. What am I supposed to do???? I don't know. Does anyone?

Answer 1

Oh, woman you two have it really hard! Sorry to hear this! I totally understand how you feel:



"You love your husband and don't mind taking care of him but you also feel you're missing out your life"



I'm going to just write what I think some of the realistic choices are here:



First of all, use the hours when the aide is there to attend to your needs such as getting together with friends, family, etc. Now about the new man you've met I would advice not to let this go further as your husband has not passed away or you haven't divorced or anything like that;



I also understand you have needs as a person, but you committed when you got married so while this may sound very wrong I'd say in the relationship department you have three choices:



1. Divorce your husband and move on; it's sad and difficult, I know, but if you really intend to move on with your life you cannot get romantically involved with anyone while your poor husband is in this condition and you're still married. Difficult choice.



2. Have an aide watch your husband every once in a while at night so you can go out for one-night stands to satisfy your sexual needs or go to a swinger club or something like that; in this manner you'll be cheating I know, but at least just physically and not emotionally; tough choice as well;



3. Just forget about any more romance or sex (other than masturbation) while your husband recovers or passes away. But only if you're sure you won't start resenting him for this, because otherwise options 1 or 2 would be preferable, this also a very difficult choice.



I would not want to be in your situation, sorry if my advice sounds so wrong but I really can't think of anything else.

Answer 2

1# place Im using my Husbands account. I am currently a Mother Taking care of my daughter that requires just about the same care if not about the same but she is responsive and making small progress. I personally am the type of person that believe's that Love Conquers all when you have the right kind of perspective. I Love my life and I always learn to make the most of what I have. threw out the years I've learn to ADAPT to my circumstances and just do what i have to do and learn to Motivate myself in the process, Now I never said it was easy but it is possible. I'm Not here to judge but do you really need sex? I understand but life could be great any where. standing by your husband can be very rewarding in itself. I would rather be with my daughter then some of the people I know in this world. what im trying to say is you can stil have a life but just different. I would not recommand cheating cause in the long run it would not do you any good but just learn to adapt and do the best you can cause your really not alone... Keep looking for people in your situation and Im sure you will find support in the right way. Just know That there are still good people in this world.... and you sound like a very decent person. My respect's go out to you. Best of wishes to you and your Husband.

Answer 3

I'm sorry about your situation. This is very difficult and you're a better person than I am. I would've started looking around after six months because I know if he wakes up, he'll be a breathing but barely living.



I'm being a realist so my advice will be unfiltered but I'll say it as tactful as possible.



The first thing I'll do is to consult with a bankruptcy lawyer and a social worker who specializes in these cases. Get a referral from the hospital social worker. They deal with issues like this all the time and will help you navigate thru the financial aspect. The reason I say this is because he might be able to qualify to Medicaid so the financial burden will not rest entirely on you. Consider divorcing him so he can qualify for government benefits. That's what it's there for.



You'll need as much money possible for your retirement. I don't want you to be penniless and work until 82. I know someone who invested their retirement in a business that failed. The husband worked until he was 82, but had to stop when he had a stroke at work. He would've continued to work until the day he dies.



My second and final advice is based on what my husband said: if he dies, he wouldn't care what people thought or care. He wants me to be happy, and I want him to be happy. I told him I could care less if he marries the next day if something were to happen to me. I also want him to be happy. I'm sure your husband will want the same. Waiting for three years is admirable. Now it's time for you to move on. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Answer 4

Put yourself in his position and think about how you would feel if you were lying there helpless and he was cheating with some other woman while coming home to you and pretending like everything was hunky dory? I sure as hell wouldn't take it, probably give me a stroke right then and there. But then that would solve everyone's problem, wouldn't it. No, that's just wrong. Buy yourself a vibrator and tell that man you met you are a married woman and have no intentions of cheating. If he can respect you then you can meet him for coffee or a movie now and then, but nothing more.

Answer 5

This is a very sad situation you're living right now and my heart goes out to you n your husband* Staying by his side is what a loving wife should do* but I do understand you feel you need someone you can lean on..confide in..breakdown when need to etc*..but as far as having a relationship other than friendship with this man..is 'cheating'...it would break your husbands heart* As you said he may or may not ever come out of this state...but it seems like he does understand what's going on around him he just can't communicate back* if he has tears when you sing to him..he feels* too~ My friend is in hospital, had a few brain surgerys and has never been the same after the last brain surgery :( she'll be in a homecare for the rest of her life and she is only 52yrs old*..she doesn't recognize her husband or anyone else until they've been there for about 15min then she'll remember..but within a short period she forgets again* ..she can communicate somewhat..but can't walk, or get out of her wheelchair..the nurses hoist her up to go to the loo* etc*..breaks my heart* her husband has been by her side for 4yrs now :((( and feels the same way as you do*...he's met a woman who's a friend to him..i think they're getting feelings for one another but he feels it would be cheating if he persued it any further..he wants to be loved, and comforted etc as well...as his wife will probably never come out of this will never be able to leave the homecare she's in....what does he do? he feels so torn*..does he go on the rest of his life this way? or does he try to live life a lil while going through this* everyone has to do what's right for them* what they can live with* God Bless*

Answer 6

I feel sorry for your situation it's really horrible that your husband's life was taken from him by another supposed to be licensed doctor. But if you want my very honest opinion it's not fair to your husband. He didn't ask to be in this state, he is not in a complete vegetated state he is aware of you singing. He is trapped in his own body and he can feel your disconnect I'm sure when he is looking at you he is speaking a million words to you while you're looking away upset in anger and just all of those feelings. I'm sure he is even aware of your lack of love for him. I know you will say you love him but you're already excusing yourself to move on. You've let go of your husband like he's already dead. Because he isn't the husband you once knew just by your comments you're not married nor a widow. You're married, you're not a widow your husband is suffering. You want to move on because your sexual needs are not being met? I'm sure he has deep inner desires too, he is NOT brain dead. This man is very much alive and just trapped inside himself. I can't imagine how HE feels! You made a commitment in sickness and in health no one likes the possible outcome of the actual sickness part but it happens. You promised him your love for the rest of your time with him, why would you deny him that? Why is it when you look in his eyes you no longer see your husband but just a job at hand? He is still a person in need of love too. You should be telling him every day that you love him, read to him watch tv with him. Treat him as if he is a living talking human being because that is what he deserves. I can only imagine the depression he is going through inside. Be his wife, not his nurse.

Answer 7

Waiting for three years is admirable. Now it's time for you to move on.

Just ask inside your heart and take own decision.

Yes you need and fully agree with you.

But I am human and I need physical affection and I don't know what to do any more. I want to continue to care for my husband but at the same time I need to live also. I'm neither married nor a widow.

Answer 8

You can not ask someone else what is right for you



. How many of us live in dead marriages anyway for the sake of vows, tradition, children, commitment, security. And we are miserable anyway. Its just we have that damned program in our head becaise we were taught "right" from "wrong" And we have partners to answer to.



I know you still love your husband and how being the primary caregiver and not having your needs met is crippling you. Primary caregivers must not burn out or the game is over for everyone involved.



What type of woman are you? Really? Can you keep a secret life? Or would the guilt eat you up?



Personally, I would continue loving my husband physically laying with him and holding him if you truly do

love him. After all, he did not do this on purpose. Its all so mind bafflinjg isn't it.



Personally, I think having a good friend you can TRUST, not just one by the way, is going to be very important for you to hold it together mentally. and physically.



When you are happy with healthy friendships, you will be able to lay with your husband an have something to give...the love energy.



How will all this effed you financially. Will you be in a better position as a divorcee. Please keep us posted.

Love is the answer. xo

Answer 9

I think it is wrong to move on. The guy is still alive, and it's not like he abused you. He can still hear and see you. When you got married, didn't the priest say for better or for worse? As for his condition never improving, I think you need to have more hope. I think you should also pray about it too. You just never know. He might wake him one day. An idea is also to play music that he likes. For people that have woken up from comas, some of them have woken up because of certain songs they liked.



You should look on the Internet, and search "10-amazing-stories-of-people-who-woke-up-from-comas." Maybe, that will help you figure out your decision.

Answer 10

It's not wrong, you have a right to live your life while you still can, just like everyone else. I'm sorry for your husband but he is probably better off in a nursing home so you can move on. Taking care of a loved on is hard, too much for just one person. Place him somewhere he will get the care he needs, and get the care that YOU need too.

Answer 11

Sorry you are in such a god awful position. I doubt there is any right answers and you alone must do what you feel is right. Just don't let it affect the care you give your husband and make sure he never knows if you see anyone else. You may find that starting a relationship outside marriage is easy but keeping it long term is not so. You may be setting yourself up for more problems.

Answer 12

First my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I am sure this is terribly difficult for you and cannot imagine being in your shoes. However, being married I must say something that I hope is not harsh. When I took my wedding vows it was in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. I do feel for you, being a nurse and caring for my own parents along with 4 kids can be difficult. At times I could scream and even pack up and take a break. However, this is my life and the cards I was dealt. I am not complaining but I do not feel it would not be right for you to engage in a relationship at this time. It sounds like you have put your life on hold to take care of others and that is admirable but the fact that he is alive and you are still married, to me, means something. If your ready to move on I am sure people would understand but maybe get a divorce first. You never know what he knows or understands and I can only imagine being in his shoes not being able to communicate and knowing what is happening. It is like being trapped in your body. However, only you can may the decisions, ultimatley you will have to live with your choices. I am not here to judge you, you sound like a wonderful, caring, supportive person. Maybe take a break for awhile go away and allow yourself some time to think without all the stress in your life.

Answer 13

I can understand your emotions about this and I feel that if it is so much stress and helplessness towards your ownself then it is best to leave him , break the relationship off but remain friends since then you won't be doing the sin of lying and cheating and still support him and live your own life.This allows you to date who you want when you want after letting him know and only doing so in such a caring way you're no longer IN love with him but you love him cheating on him won't be doing anyone justice it is better to break it off and still support him as a close friend

Answer 14

First of all, I would like to apologize on behalf of the people who answer in a very vulgar fashion.

Now...personally, I think that you are married, and your husband is still a person. He is a human being who still has feeling for you, it seems. You say he cries when you sing? I think he wishes he could touch you, comfort you as this man you have met has.

And I think you are just looking for comfort. If your husband was fine, you wouldn't have gone to this man, right? . You just need some reassurance in this time of need.

I am very old fashioned and I really do not like people who lie and cheat on their significant other. You promised to be there for him, never leave his side.

Like I said. I think his tears are for the ways he is apologizing.

For not being there to hold you, for not being what you want, and for putting you through this.

I know I am just a stupid person online who will get lost in the comments, but my point is this: Love your husband, know he loves you, and stay by his side.

Answer 15

This is a tough situation, my deepest sympathy for you,



1st of all there is no good answer and bad answer, everybody has their own answer based on the life value their holding on to



2nd, in my opinion, there are only 2 choices,divorce him or faithfull completely, sleeping with another man and come home,looking to his eyes and act like nothing happen is really something i could never do,it will haunt me everywhere i go



3rd, if i have to speak for my self, a vow is a vow,for better for worse,but really it's all coming back to you, no one will blame you for any decision



but if you choose to be faithfull,i suggest you to shut yourself completely to any man,don't let the door open,otherwise the same problem will coming back to you anytime and get many help from professional and friends,anyone.. as often as possible,you need it



Regardless, good luck,i'm wishing you the best.

Answer 16

This is really a horrible situation. It is humane and extra ordinary on your part to say that you want to look after him as long as he is alive. You have submitted yourself to take care of him, that's fine. Any sensible wife would do that, I hope. BUt you are also a human being with all kinds of feelings. There is nothing wrong in going out with the person of your choice as you too need some kind of relief from the day to day work of looking after your husband. But that should not lead to a situation where your husband will be left in the lurch.

Answer 17

Have you considered other options, like getting some pets for comfort and cuddles?

A male friend would be nice to have as long as it doesn t become a replacement for your husband but a support person.

I wouldn t find comfort with another man personally

If you go this path, talk to your husband lots and tell him you take yoga for relaxation or some such.



Its a case of making choices, if not getting any physical intimacy is going to make you feel resentful towards being your husbands carer, that is not good either.

Sickness and health. Caring for a person who can t care for themselves is difficult, however, who else has he got? You are it. I think its like looking after children, once you ve made the commitment, its not a matter of choice but a commitment.

Can your husband go out in a wheel chair? If so, are you taking him out? If he cries when you sing, maybe it is time not to sing but to tell him the positive things in your life, what you bought for dinner etc, or read him the news, whats happening in the world.

Take care not to treat him (speak or touch him) like a baby or small child because it sounds like his mind is functioning ok, its easy to slip into this when caring (like people who talk to the elderly like they are 2 yo s). You can go out to the grocery store.... count your blessings.

Give him lots of stimualation too, get an aide that knows physical therapy to work on him each day, with massage etc and show you how to do if if you don t know already.

Decisions are not black or white, sometimes you need to find something that fits his needs (to have a loving person who has his needs priority) and get some of your needs met too in the grey area.

All i can say is don t leave him, whatever else you decide to do in your bits of free time.

Answer 18

I'm probably going to be bashed here for this, but here goes. As long as you keep your private life private, you should be fine. I am very vocal against cheating, but this is a situation that I cannot fault you because yes, you need a loving relationship. But very important not to flaunt it around family, specially husband's family who will feel very strongly against it, children, and of course, not at home. I would strongly advise against following your heart and leaving your husband, and I know you did not say you would. Always remember: in sickness and in health, but you need to care for your emotional and physical health, too.

Answer 19

I think it is best for you to stay with your husband. It sounds like if you leave him, he would know that he was abandoned and I can't imagine how he would handle that. As a Christian, I don't see this within the Biblical guidelines for divorce, I am not sure if you share this faith. I am so so so sorry for what you are going through. I am praying for you both and your families. But I would get in touch with a therapist if you haven't already about stress management.

Answer 20

You're married, in health and sickness both should be looking out for each other!! No matter how hard it is you're supposed to get through and find your way! you wouldnt like it if you're the one lying there helpless and knowing he cheats on you right?



He's already in such bad condition, i suggest you be there for him cause you may not know how much time he has left. for all you know you could be the one going first, we'll never know cause death is not up to us to decide, sometimes it just happens!



think through and i hope you do the right thing. Don't leave your other half when he needs you most. if you do, shame on you. Treat him the way you want to be treated if you're in his position

Answer 21

I think you need the unbiased and detached guidance of a social worker and psychologist. You already feel guilt about your physical needs and in my own opinion, the vows you took when you married him were tailored to a time when "in sickness and in health" were defined by the health advancements that had not yet occurred in todays world. If a person sustained a life altering injury rendering them totally incapacitated, they didn't live on for years or decades, that way. Their life was naturally shortened by virtue of the injuries or illness they sustained. Now, people can be kept in a state of "living" that was unimagined even 10 years ago.

I am not suggesting that all that is humanly possible not be done for your husband. But, I am saying, the responsibility for his care, and sustainment, should not fall on you alone. I think I would set into place, every bit of state and government assistance to take some of he burden off in relationship to his care. You should not be on call 24 hours a day , 7 days a week. I would seek the help of counseling to find what is best for you and your husband , It must be terribly difficult to be in your position. I truly believe you love this man, but would he really expect this much from you, or from himself if the tables were turned?

Answer 22

Wow the people on here r viscous without an ounce of compassion gee whiz. 1st I would like to say I'm sorry that this has happened to u then apologize for everyone's lack of true compassion for 1 another. We shouldn't judge a person without ever experiencing what ur going through. My mother was divorced & wasn't interested in getting remarried like u she needed a man's touch every now & then she was good friends with a gentleman his wife was like ur husband he also took care for his wife.They became good friends & would meet up every now & then to take care of their basic human needs. They both knew it was no strings attached type relationship..

Listen I commend you for staying & taking care of ur husband because so many women these days would turn their back on their husband & put them in a nursing home. So if u can find a person that u can turn to every now & then Yes by all means do so it is what separates us as being humans. Good Luck & May God Bless You, ur in my prayers......

Answer 23

You are in the position that many care givers find themselves. I found myself in such a situation. Only with me it was my parents. My dad was dying from mesothelioma and my mom was emotionally devastated and not able to take care of the bills or many regular household duties. As a single man their care fell to me. I had to put any social life on hold as I was running a business full time. Both were receiving a small social security but had decent healthcare insurance, but their meds were many and some quite expensive. I did what I had to do until both passed away. In your situation it is even more heart rending. If only you could communicate with him in some manner. As it is you are between a rock and a hard place. The only real suggestion I can offer is to checkout the website below for caregiver assistance.

Answer 24

Dear, home care may very well not be in either of your's best interest. I'm sure, if his brain is active, that it is eating his heart out to see you living like this in order to take care of him. You being horny is really pretty low on your list of troubles. How about you address some of the more immediate ones first.

Answer 25

I was my husbands 24/7 carer for over 3 years, he could not do anything for himself. We could not go out of the house, I did everything for him. I was stressed, lost weight, had chest pains, my hair was thinning but we carried on. He died 5 months ago and I have got my life back but I hate it, I am alone, no-one to talk to or look after. I would give anything if he was with me again, just having him sitting opposite me, looking after him, we were married 50 years and it hurts so much. I feel for you, I really do, and it is very hard I know and I wish you both all the best. Losing your husband, the love of your life is a nightmare that I can never wake up from but you have the chance to do all you can for him, get more help in, go out with friends and you will be more able to cope. When he is gone you will wish he was there with you again.

Answer 26

I will tell you a story about my mom and dad. My mom got cancer and after a number of years she was finally bed ridden. I was in my twenties and didn't live at home but went over often to cut my mom's hair and give her some other company. I think that I know my father cheated on my mom before she got sick. I remember those days whent hey didn't even talk and my mother looked so unhappy. But when my mom got very sick and really was in and out of it, I'm pretty sure my dad started dating again. He needed a break and I didn't condemn him for that. He did stay with my mother although at one time I heard he was considering divorce. Maybe this isn't the moral choice but it is realistic. He didn't leave her and did his business away from home. It didn't hurt my mom because she didn't know. I was glad he didn't leave or divorce her and leave her alone. I guess I believe that when you say for better or for worse...that's what it means. Life isn't fair to you but you need to be fair to him. I say have your fun and relief away from home but do take care of your husband as I hope he would have done for you should things be reversed. You owe him. I'm sure your husband is devastated and your leaving him leaves him in a really bad place. Do what you have to do but don't forget to go home. I know what you do is hard but could you live with yourself if you left him. I would have trouble sleeping.

Answer 27

Personally I feel you do have a right for a bit of life beside the constant care of your husband. If you were my wife I would not begrudge you some sexual contact with another man if I could not give you the intimate enjoyment every normal person needs for happiness in their life. It appears as so you do love your husband and do not want to hurt him and do not want to desert him and only seek some occasional life away from constant caring you give your husband. I feel you are doing what any good wife would do for her disabled husband and do deserve a little "you time" and a little intimate happiness from time to time so I say take some time out and have a slice of life once in a while.

Answer 28

Hello,



First off let me start with saying I am very sorry you are in this situation to being with. But as for your choices, it's really up to you on how you move forward but everything Chris said...I agree with. You need to leave your husband before you do anymore if another man. Also I say away from the other male for a few reason.



1) You are still married.



2) You seem to still love your husband but lost on what to do with yourself/marriage in the future and you.



3) Your husband does not whats going on around him, which is why he cries when you sing to him, that crying is the only way he can show you he loves you and misses you (the talking, touching etc).



4) This other man claims he understands etc, well if so he would stay away and not try to pull you away from your husband, shows to me he does not have respect for others.



5) Lets say you move on with this other man, leave your husband for him etc...if you husband does understand whats going on around him, you will have broken his heart and put him in a worse spot then he is already in now.



6) Remember those vows you gave "to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part". Well is this better right now?? No it's worse, and you need to stick with that and fight to the end, your husband could of let himself pass on but his mind/body/heart are still here trying to battle this as well for you/him/the marriage.



7) Think if the table was turned, you would not want him going out on the town with another women while you stayed home being a vegetative state.



All in all, I say you stick with it and fight it to the end. I believe this will all make you a better person/wife in the end even if it's with or without your current husband.

Answer 29

I know I would be devastated in your position, but I also know my husband would want me to be happy. He would be sad if he ever recovered and I told him, sad that it wasn't him that could provide me with comfort and love. But he would be happy that I didn't give up all joy and happiness in life just for him. I would feel the same way if it were me. Don't feel guilty, remember you are important too!

Answer 30

No, it's not wrong. You have to have some happiness in your life too- & no-one could ever criticize you for wanting some comfort & affection in your life. You are already doing everything you can for your husband, & you deserve some "me time". I am pretty sure that your husband would want you to be happy, & if this person you have met can give you that comfort, but also accept that you still want to care for your husband, then I think you should go for it. You are a good person & you really do deserve to be happy :) xx

Answer 31

First-off, allow to express my sympathy for you.

That has gotta be rough!



However I would like to ask you to think about if you were in his position.

Would you not hope that he would be faithful to you?

Did the the two of you not promise to love, and be faithful to each other, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?"



Also, would you cheat on him, if he were fully cognizant?

If not, then why would you cheat on him, when he is in such a vulnerable state?

And with all due respect, how does his being in such a fragile state, make cheating on him morally right, and not just plain selfish?



If you truly value your marriage, then you'll stay faithful to him.

And even if his condition never does improve, you'll be able to have your self-respect, because you kept your word to him, even when things proved difficult.

Answer 32

The 'easy' answer is to say that you married for better or for worse, so put up with it.

But no-one else has the right or the understanding to tell you. None of us can possibly understand.

You must do that which you feel is right for you. Nobody should try to judge.

You are in my prayers

Answer 33

I'm not a religious zealot or anything, but you did marry this man "for better or worse". Well, this is the worst case scenario. He is still alive, and therefore you are still married to him. I am in a similar position in a way. My husband is a police officer, and in 1983 (32 years ago, which is a LONG time), he was shot in the head while answering a kidnapping call. It rendered him paralyzed, and with speech, visual and memory loss. Of course he cannot perform sexually. He was 22 at the time. The first few years, I was learning to take care of him (lifting, turning, stretching, etc.) and didn't worry about my own physical needs. Then, about six years into the ordeal, it struck me as to what I was missing and why I was so anxious and lonely all of the time. I went out and ordered myself some "toys", and I still take care of things in that manner. Because it has been so long and I'm older now, it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. Your husband is young, and I'm assuming you are, too. It's a terrible position for you to be in, but you still have a commitment to him. For you to say that people who are answering you have "insensitive comments", that says to me that you're very angry (which I really do understand, as I still feel angry after all these years that this was done to him and how it took away our physical relationship). I would advise you to go to a counselor and get some of these feelings out in the open. Nothing will change physically with your husband, but you can express your frustrations. Please know that you have my sincere sympathy.

Answer 34

you are asking if it is alright for you to have companionship and emotional support from others, including another man, while your husband lives in a diminished state and you are his constant caregiver.



the answer is yes. at the highest level of his being, your husband loves you, and he would want you to have the fullest life possible despite your circumstances.



you are not abandoning him; all his needs that can be met, you are caring for. you have every right, maybe your have every duty here, to take very good care of yourself. Not just your life, but that of your husband, depends on this. If you begin to fail in health or coping with life's stresses, not just you will suffer, but also your husband. take care of yourself.

Answer 35

If it were me - I'd do my best to give him my love and time and care - with aid, like you are doing. Toys or men - whatever, if its not a loving relationship, a man is just a toy anyway. Do what you need to do, but as I'm sure you will, try to hide it from your husband, try to give him joy in any way you can, it will give you joy too I'm sure you've already experienced it. I suppose it would be deemed seriously inappropriate to be sexual with him in this state...or maybe even impossible...But god damn if I were in that state, I'd hope my partner would get me off from time to time haha. (sorry, so crude...! ) Can he kiss back if you kiss him? Not even sexually, just...my mum had a stroke and she didn't know how to kiss me on the cheek, it was more like a 'tooth to cheek' thing. but after a while she was able to kinda purse her lips to give me a kiss...maybe he could learn too...just to put a little more tenderness back in..that I'm sure you'd both appreciate...maybe try kiss him every day, he'll no doubt be desperate to kiss you back, maybe stimulating his lips/facial muscles, giving him yours to encourage him to try...miracles happen...muscles get awoken...

sorry if this isn't useful...just speaking my mind. i wish you all the love and strength in the world you gorgeous woman, don't feel guilty for having human desires. xxxx

Answer 36

I'm sorry you're going through this. I couldn't imagine being in this predicament. I know of people who aren't as loyal as you and their husbands are perfectly fine. I know I'm going to sound like some sort of bible pusher. I'm really not that religious, actually. God will not forsake you - that is not his way. He would not have carried you this far to only leave you cold and alone in the dark. Now, how God will choose to help you, only He can say. Maybe he sent this man as a ray of light and a friend to guide you in your darkest hour. You know, sometimes God is not "politically correct" or even "religious", lean on Him to find your answers. Let love lead your heart, not guilt, or obligation. In that state, your husband, like God, wants what's best for you. Your husband's tears may be because he sees the pain and loneliness in your eyes and he wants your happiness even more than he wants to get better. That's how I love, I want my man to be happy... that makes me fulfilled. If I was sick and he was helping me, I would be so grateful and feel so loved, but I would want him to live, it would kill me to hear the pain in his beautiful voice as he sang to me. The overwhelming pain and love I felt would make me cry, but I would wish him joy. I wouldn't want him to forget me, though. I would want him to pray for me, to hold me dear to his heart, and think and speak of me fondly, but I would want him to LIVE the life I could not. I would not be tit for tat and wish bondage on his body and mind. Feel the peace in your heart that only a conversation with God can provide, and then make your decisions in this mindset. Wishing you love

Answer 37

im sorry to hear about the situation ur in . but only GOD knows the out come . my dad layed in a coma for three and a half yrs before he passed . u must really love hin to do the things u have done for him . and i commend u for that . it takes a lot of love and commitment to go thru all of it . now ur at that part about whats going to happen in ur life .u know in the bible it say s till death do u part . if he s not dead then theiir is always hope . GOD say s , I AM A GOD OF THE LIVEING AND NOT A GOD OF THE DEAD.so at this point prayer is the best antidote . i be glad to be ur friend and give u more insite to this situation if u wish . should u move on ? thats a hard question. and eventually will be answered by only u. but if u wish to chat ill be glad to do what i can do to help and give u encouraging words. my e-mail address is

[e-mail]. if not then i wish the best for u.

Answer 38

good lady, if I was your husband, I would ask you to move on without guilt. If you need to care for him, do it. But I would want you to be fulfilled and happy too. If he loved you he would say go for what you need. Do not listen to some answers here. We are not in your situation and judge from a place where we can only think of what we would do. There is so much pressure on you, you need a life also. Good luck.

Answer 39

WTF you talking to some dude while your husband is lying in bed half dead? You make me sick wow really? Think how you would feel if u had to stare at someone who was cheating every day and couldnt do anything about it. Uh huh yeah remember something called ADULTERY? It's called for better or WORSE honey and this is the WORSE now you stick to your vows like he stuck to his it's hard to find a man who will wife you and now you owe him until the day he dies because how can you divorce someone who in their deathbed? It ain't right.

Answer 40

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, the way you have stayed with him and cared for him is truely amazing. dont listen to what all these horrible selfish people say to you, they arent in ur position and have no idea what u go through. My dad always say to my mum that if anything happened to him that her main priority would be to be happy. i hope u are ok and that u look after urself, dont let anything that anyone might say dictate ur life or influence ur decisions <3 good luck and stay strong

Answer 41

This is what I would do...............I am 65 , so this isn't from a youth given without thought or consideration. I would seek for a divorce..... if you live in a state where this would be frowned upon...NM has laws that allow for a divorce.....in odd circumstances.....You can go to the office at the court house with someone who has had some legal experience...meaning a son of lawyer or a lawyer who is open minded, an office which holds all the divorce records and just throw out a 5 digit number to see an uncontested divorce, anyone can do this.... Take that record and copy it with all the assentials...place on the NEW divorce filings that you will make out that your husband is in a veggitaive state and will not recover. Take that to the presiding judge and get a divorce. It would cost you perhaps 100-300 $...and you would get a divorce that day.

I did this 34 years ago in Albuq NM.... It cost me about 100 to bring this file to the judge in his office and he signed it right there and we all walked down to the office again where he filed it.

Now from there I remain caretaker of my husband and then marry the man that has been my best friend....on the condition that he knows the previous husband would be in our care until he passes away. I would do the right thing....in all situations.....divorce....but take care of the man that left you behind because of illness

,...if you would like to discuss this further with my husband who did the filing for me back in 81...contact me and then we can chat by phone....we are 72 and 65 [e-mail]

Answer 42

Dear Sister in humanity,

I completely understand and sense the sentimentality of the situation here.

To give my take on this, I put myself in your husband's place and this is what I would maturally understand and accept of the situation at hand.

I would expect that you would have arranged every thing that is feasible in our capacity to prolong my treatment until I found cure.

I would completely understand you putting me in the best of care, wether under your immediate care or under other professional care.

In the same time I would also expect you to move on with your life and remarry.

Answer 43

I am so sorry that you are faced with this on going tragedy, and for him, as well. Did he have a will with an advanced directive, stating his wishes about heroic measures ? A good thing for each of us to consider, well in advance, while we are still able to express our wishes.



You must have a life of your own, beyond being his caretaker. Go and do it. You can still devote your time and energies to helping him be comfortable, in whatever way you can, but you are also human and have basic needs that you deserve to address. Do not feel guilty. Do the best you can , and best wishes to you, Dr.S

Answer 44

You need to take care of yourself too. No one can judge you in that kind of situation - they haven't been there.I can't imagine how difficult a situation that is. You have needs (no not just sexual - but personal). I know this sounds harsh but your husband can no longer fulfill his role as a partner, lover or support. You have to do what is right for you in these situations.

Answer 45

What an awful position to be in. I am full of admiration for you and the way you have cared for your husband, challenges such are these are what marriages are all about. I am sure you husband can understand you and is comforted by your presence and I do not see that have a separate compartment in your life that meets your sexual needs is absolutely fine. The rules of the game have changed fundamentally and so discreet date nights will reenergise and refresh you.

Answer 46

I admire you for what you are doing. You obviously love your husband. But we all have needs. All I can say is 'what he doesn't know won't hurt him'. I wish you both well. xx

Answer 47

Well the blunt or correct answer to your question is simple. Yes it would be wrong to move on. I can try to understand your position but I can only try. Think about how you would feel if your positions were reversed and he moved on. Let me suggest something to you. I am involved with a company that amazes me. Write me at whoeverjames at yahoo dot com and I will get you more info and it may just help you both. No promises but just maybe.

Answer 48

Well if your reason is because of his condition amd nothing else then its kinda wring u should have a better reason to leave him. If u want attention from another man then u should get a divorce but still be there for him while u live your life with another man and be happy as well

Answer 49

Yeah damsel in distress is right. Don't let new guys know your situation too soon or else they may take advantage of you. You could try a toy first like some others have said. If that doesn't work out then it's your life and as long as your there for him nothing else should matter. His family may judge you, they may not. Either way don't be miserable. Theres no promise of another life after this one.

Answer 50

If you love him stay with him. And seek help with those charity group in day care too. And from his family to share the burden. And feeling horny, you can control it... Since there are people out there always single..you wouldn't die because of it.

Answer 51

have you herd of this old saying till death do you part for better or worse. you get my point. yes he knows going on around him put your self in shoes he cry cuz he know what going to happen that's all he thinks about all day an I bet .. I sure he would tell you to move on but dam if I was him I think someone would do the write thing for me . you both are in hell I know bet hes hell is in one spot alone.

Answer 52

I think that many carers may face your dilemma. Caring for a partner who is very physically dependent and also unable to communicate due to brain damage or dementia becomes very lonely. You are often isolated and alone for hours with no other company than your dependent partner/parent/child. You have no one to talk to, no one to share your worries, sadness, loneliness, disappointment, grief etc with. People may not visit you, your old friends may move on without you. And some people will be telling you "you deserve a life, put him in a home and move on" while others will be telling you "it's your duty to stay faithful and carry on caring to the end because of your marriage vows" but THEY won't be there supporting you! And of course you don't have any "end date" for this situation. You don't know whether you'll be doing this in five years time, ten years time, twenty years time, or whether something wil happen tomorrow to your husband.



I think it's only human to need company, conversation, laughter, social life, someone to talk to who is on your wave length. And I think that the longer you go on as your husband's sole carer with very little assistance the stronger will grow the need/temptation to start a relationship with a kind, caring man who will be there for you and support you. Even if you don't miss sex you will miss companionship and support.



I was the sole carer for my partner for a few years after he had strokes. My penpal was the sole carer for his wife who was very ill with Multiple Sclerosis. Both of us had physically disabled partners who also suffered dementia and were no longer the people we had once known. He seriously got to the point of planning to ring for a prostitute to come to his house and have sex with him, because that was what HE most missed. I almost ended up in bed with another man who was - like the man you have met - kind and caring and sympathetic. We both found the loneliness of caring and the restricted lifestyle very hard going in the long term.



My dad was advised to have an affair when he was caring for my mum who had Alzheimers. Some people will say go for it, others will quote you "for better, for worse " and frown in disapproval. I'm not going to condemn you if you DO get into a relationship with another man BUT I think you need to realise that you are having these thoughts not necessarily because this guy is "the one" for you, but because of your emotional needs at this time. Is it going to be fair to this other man? If your husband had still been healthy and you had met this other guy would you have even considered an affair or given him a second glance? Or is it just because you are "starving" emotionally and he is kind and available?



I think you need some counselling and advice - legal, financial, emotional. What might happen if you start a relationship and this man isn't content to be there for part of your life but wants to be more? Would you consider committing your husband to an institution and walking away to a new life? Or would you end up losing this nice new man because you weren't free to commit?



I don't think it's wrong of you to have the feelings you're experiencing, but I don't think you should act on them without caution, advice, and consideration of the possible long term implications.

Answer 53

Update your knowledge and expertise periodically. In any case, please don't let him down at this critical juncture. Then he will become an orphan.



Pl. give some special consideration for his mental health and your mental health. Here that is why MH is only given highest predominance and all other issues or stories are secondary.

Answer 54

it is really a difucult situation....

As I believe nothing happens after death, I would simply ask myself: let sexual jealousy apart, if I was in the shoes of your ill husband, and I could communicate, if I know that I won't be able to please your sexual needs, I would love that someone else does! of course I would want that person to be good to you, because I would feel afraid that someone hurt you (emotionally or physically) but if for sure it will only bring pleasure to you, then I really think that I would tell you, please I am unable to live, so don't consider it cheating! just don't deny that you loved me, and yes have someone who can please you for whats left in your life...

I know that is only MY opinion, and what matters is yours ! so would you please imagine (for real) that you are the sick one, and your husband is thinking, well She can't have sex and please me, so can I marry another wife who is not ill ? (be honest and don't even post your decision,,, and you don't have to choose a best answer,, just place yourself on his shoes to know what you want to do)

I really hope your situation get solved, SMILE

Answer 55

If it were me I would continue caring for my husband but would do whats necessary to fulfill my needs. If you want to date the guy you've met go ahead but let him know that you wont leave your husband.

Answer 56

"is it wrong to move on"...in a word. NO. The problem with modern technology is that it keeps people alive who would have otherwise died. As wonderful as it can be...it is NOT normal for a human being to simply exist as a lump. Your life should not be taken over by this unreasonable predicament.

Answer 57

You said he was your husband. I will not judge you, but hope that you pray about your life and talk to your Pastor. Sincerely be there for him all you can in any case. Many times I have seen wonderful adult family homes where there are activities, and qualified help. Consider this.

Answer 58

If the relationship you have with this man is HUSBAND, then you're married.



You made promises and obligations for "better or worse".

Answer 59

He does know what is going on around him. That is why he cries when you sing to him. He is isolated by his condition, but he feels and is moved by your actions.



What you need is a means of communicating with him. He might even condone your getting affection from another man. He's debilitated but not without compassion for you (hence his tears).



You do have to manage your stress. It can break you. You are isolated yourself, so having someone to confide in is important. It reduces your isolation.



Try this: If he can blink, tell him to blink once to answer "Yes" and twice to answer "No." If it works you can communicate via your questions and his blinks.

I believe he is fully aware of what is going on.



My late grandmother suffered a debilitating stroke and I was her caregiver. I did EVERYTHING for her for years. I got rid of all medical help as they were billing medicare and in my opinion bilking it. I could take care of everything on my own after consulting with the various therapists, so I did.



Initially she could not communicate and any attempts to speak were gibberish. Later, when she could speak some she chose not to. During her verbal incapacity, soon after the house was swarming with medical help, I suggested the blinking to her in private. She answered my questions via blinking and we connected.



She wasn't my wife, obviously, and I greatly resented having to spoon feed her three times a day, change her diapers, brush her teeth, etc. I was tethered to her, and like Rasputin she wasn't dying. Her doctor suggested stopping her meds as she was so old that it would be better to let nature take its course. She wasn't in any pain. Without her meds she just seemed to get healthier. She was uttterly debilitated, but serene.



If I were you I would look for ways to communicate with your husband via a yes/no format. If you can make the connection you might be able to be comfortable supporting him the rest of his life. And that might include a relationship with another man. Your husband's reassurance would set you free.



As for whether it is wrong for you to move on given your husband's condition, that depends on whether you think he is "in there" and what you believe he would think of your moving on. If he isn't in there he is gone already, though still alive. If he is in there you remain morally obligated to him as his wife.

Answer 60

I encourage you to look at all of the responses you have received via Yahoo Answers.

But, I encourage you: DO NOT make your decision ONLY on these responses.



Talk with at least five different people who you know and who you respect and who you believe would be straight with you in addressing this subject.

Answer 61

yes my dear a very sad and touching storey.I know one of my relative in the same place.Yes it is so touching to hear you say you are neither a widow neither married.

it is so easy to say things for people as they never been through ths.

yes u are human being and have u feeling.

the stress will build up and just expode.

people will say things good or bad but they do not understand the pain u are having.you do what is right for you and u can not make every one happy.

u just make u life happy .

Answer 62

talk to a lawyer. you can probably petition the courts to discontinue your husband's life support, water and feeding tubes. it will help, too, if your husband left a living will with instructions to pull the plug if he became disabled. courts do it all the time to reduce hospital and insurance costs.

Answer 63

It depends what your marriage vows mean to you

Till death do us part, is the normal vow, to me,and that means what it says

You are married as your husband is still alive.

Off course you can have a life with family and friends, but to me what you are doing is cheating, but its you that will have to live with the guilt.

Answer 64

Life has to move On, and one has to be realistic as Life never takes u turn....Each day everyone is getting closer to his end...So one has every right to be happy and in the same time make arrangement for others well being..

Answer 65

There are so many responses, so I doubt you'll read this, but please don't leave your husband. Please, for the love of God, don't. Think about what it's like in his place. He cries when you sing, so he can understand you. He is in there. If you leave him when he needs you the most, it will break his heart. You married this man for a reason, and if he loves you as much as I can feel he does, then he can actually die of a broken heart. People CAN and DO die of misery. Do you know what that means? That means that right now, even though the poor man can't do a single thing on his own, and he has almost nothing to life for, he lives for you. He is alive because he has you. He has a wife who loves and comforts him every day, takes care of him to no end. And right now, he can probably see it in your eyes. He can't respond, but he can feel where your mind is going. Maybe he is crying when you sing because he doesn't know if that's the last time he'll ever hear it. But I want to hear from you. I want to hear more about your situation. I am an empath, and I am able to sense peoples' feelings better than most people. I was not in the same boat as you, but it was a lesser situation. My boyfriend, before I met him, had had anxiety for 16 years. He had spent the previous 8 unable to leave his home with his father. I loved him, more than anything at all. But I also love travelling, and camping, hiking, outdoorsy stuff, going out in general. After a while, it started to hurt that we couldn't do anything together. 7 months into the relationship, he still wouldn't get out of the house. My pain was different than yours is. For you, your husband cannot leave the house, but it isn't his fault. If he could, he would take you anywhere he could. For me, my boyfriend chose not to go outside. It was his own choice that he refused to try for us. Your pain and my pain are both very real. I know how it feels to be trapped by love. Not for as long as you, or for the same reason. I am also not trying to tell you that you "have to stay with him because you're married." All I want you to do is remember. Remember all of the reasons you love him. Why you loved him in the first place, why you married him. And maybe I am trying to guilt trip you a little, but it is the truth. If you don't consider the fact of how he may feel, then that will hurt him as bad as a divorce.



Consider:

Your shoes - Your love feels as though it is fading. It's getting harder to remember what it was like before the accident. You question why you're putting so much effort into what is essentially a life-size doll that still defecates and has needs. You have no one to hold you. No one to cuddle with. No one to touch you the way that only your husband knows where to touch. You lack that closeness and feel empty. Lately, every day, you feel like a bird in a cage. You feel like you should be able to live your life, and not have to deal with this responsibility. It wasn't your fault the doctors messed up. But part of you still feels like this is a punishment. You didn't chose who you fell in love with, your heart did. Bad things happen to good people.



His shoes (if cognitive) - He knows his wife is becoming unhappier by the day. Part of him wishes she would leave him, so she could live her life. He hates seeing her unhappy, even more than he hates the thought of life without her. But every day, for three years, all he ever does is wish that he could hold her and tell her he loves her. Just once be able to say it back. And the more unhappy she gets, the more he is afraid. The more he hangs on every song. Every word she says. And he knows that even though she would be happier without him, he would never want to get better, or survive at all. Life without her is death. Life with her is the pain of seeing her unhappy. For him, it's a lose-lose situation.



His shoes (dimly aware, though I don't feel that it's this one) - He is lost in darkness. Floating. Every now and then, he hears soft singing, and for some reason he is drawn to is. It's the only light he has anymore. His eyes work, but he can't comprehend the images. His ears work, but he can't make out the sounds. He is drowning in the darkness. Then the singing comes back, and he can feel a warmth, and he wants to reach out, but he doesn't know how.



If I was in his shoes and cognitive, I would die if my husband left me. I just can't. I've been crying through typing all of this, I am just too heartbroken. I'm sorry. I just can't stop picturing myself in both your and his situations. Just please, stay strong. I don't know who you are, but stay strong.

Answer 66

How would you feel if you switched places with him? That's all I have to say.

Answer 67

It is time for him to go to a nursing home. You can visit him and also make a life for yourself. I am not saying with another man but you will be able to go to work if you chose to, go out for dinner with friends, take a class or whatever.

Answer 68

They should disconnect him and let him move on to. I won't want to live like that ...

Answer 69

Have you filed a lawsuit for compensation, if it was truley a botched surgery, you might need to seek legal advice. HOSPITAL or medical groups will defend thier processes vigorously.

Answer 70

I agree with sweet thing. I am not sure what you mean by moving on? Get help, go out with friends, so what you have to do to keep your sanity and personality but stay with him

Answer 71

It sounds like you are in a really difficult position and no one would blame you for taking comfort with another guy who is willing to give you emotional support.

Answer 72

Stay with him make love to yourself. Don't be nasty. unless you plan on finding a new wife to care for him when you move on??

Answer 73

I hate to say this, because you deserve love, but you made a commitment for better or for worse. I think you should immerse yourself with friends and family and when he dies seek out a spouse.

Answer 74

i know i am another one of those online morons you should not leave your husbands side it is apparent from your story that he needs you he can't be w/o you

Answer 75

Move on. Life is too short. If I was him, I wouldn't hold anything against you, and I would expect you to move on. Good luck.

Answer 76

As difficult as your situation is, you signed up when you vowed for better or worse. Please consult your pastor before doing anything that would hurt you and your husbnd further. You both are suffering enough now. Good luck to you.

Answer 77

1. What all you have been doing is excellent to speak about your noble heart.

2. What all you propose to do is also fine, in the given circumstances.

3. God bless you with His choicest blessings.

4. Mother is mother and wife is the greatest mother. In telugu language, we call it Thalli and Mahathalli.

Answer 78

i think under the circumstances that you write about it would be understood that you need to have a life outside what you have at the moment. So follow your heart and enjoy the moments that you can that will make you happy

Answer 79

O Lord... Restore this being to health please by miracle!!!!!!!!!!! Devotion matters!!!!!! There's no need to put these people through Jobian tests. I just want to scrape my eyes out at the pain I feel from them. Fuckin cunning idiots at hospitals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. What are they to do??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!!!!



Angels... Restore him to health at once! Lest there be two dead who are sacred, & these sacred flames should never be put outside, but these sacred flames should be put in a room to give light to the WHOLE ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Luke 10: 25 to 37!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Angel of True Love understands.

Answer 80

I am sure your husband would want you to move on. So do that.

Answer 81

I think you have no choice but to move on, as long as you still care for him, feed him etc. He will know you still are there for him.

Answer 82

For better for worse for richer for poor in sickness and in health - that was your marriage vows, you decide for yourself. Good Luck

Answer 83

I seconded Kenneth, I think you should stay, having read what you just explained here

Answer 84

should this be a legal case

should he be in a home where he can receive 24 hour care

has the md been sued-he should be.

Answer 85

Yes move on.

Answer 86

If he wants you to move on then go ahead.

Answer 87

do both....you need to live your life too....always take comfort in the fact that you are a superwoman for taking care of him....everyone needs a release

Answer 88

Depends on what you believe in and your morals. if he cries when you sing he hears you for sure and he wants to communicate.

Answer 89

Follow your instinct

Answer 90

of course not. you should have done it years ago. get movin'

Answer 91

please dont leave him alone, and don't cheat on him, he's too poor, he might pass away, don't hurt such a disabled man

Answer 92

What part of "in sickness and in health" did you not understand?

Answer 93

"marriage" as it traditionally defined and in concept includes sticking it out "for better" or "for worse"....



society has dictated this to us. are you bound by it? what if the roles were reversed?

Answer 94

Yup, you don-goofed

Answer 95

put yourself in his situation and remember, you promised for better or worse.I would be getting people to pray for him.

Answer 96

It would be wrong, but likely worthit.

Answer 97

IF YOU WAS IN HIS SICK CONDITION ON BED,WHAT WILL YOU EXPECT FROM HIM?JUST DO IT.

Answer 98

Til death do you apart.

Answer 99

remember ur vows [till death do u part,in sickness and in health,this is so heartless,shoe on the other foot.for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us ... till death us do part, according to God ...

Wedding vow is a sacred promise between bride and groom in front of God and witnesses to love each other and remain committed to one another through thick and thin.it is therefore better to abide by the solemn promise or wedding vows exchanged, by working towards reconciling all differences and learn most importantly to compromise.

my advice for couples is to learn to be mentally strong, knowing that all marriages have their ups and downs.Couples are getting more practical and losing the sentiments or societal norms usually associated with marital vows or making a solemn vow to an individual to a lifetime of genuine commitment despite challenges encountered. They are not keen on making efforts to repair a relationship they believe doomed.

"I, ___, take you, ___, to be my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

OR: "I, ___, take you, ___, to be my husband/wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life."

I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith/myself to you;How do I love thee? Let me count the ways

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach



"In the name of God, I, ___, take you, ___, to be my husband/wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death -- this is my solemn vow."

Answer 100

he will run in no tym

Answer 101

its better for u to divorce him

Answer 102

NO